"This might be a stupid question, but..."
"I could be wrong here..."
"Sorry, just one quick thing..."
You've said at least one of these this week. Most of the women I coach say them several times a day, usually right before saying something smart.
I call it punching yourself in the face before anyone else can.
What you think you're doing
The logic makes sense. If you call your own question stupid first, nobody else gets to. If you admit you might be wrong, being wrong won't sting as much. You're protecting yourself from a hit you can feel coming.
Most of the time, that hit was never coming. And the shield causes the exact damage you were trying to avoid.
What actually happens in the room
Think about it from the other side of the table. Someone starts with "This might be a stupid question." What's your first instinct?
I'll tell you mine. I don't have time for stupid questions. So I stop listening to the question and start deciding whether it's stupid.
That's the shift. The room goes from listening to hear you to listening to judge you. You handed everyone a gavel. Now they're busy deciding whether you're the kind of person who asks sharp questions, instead of answering the sharp question you just asked.
"I could be wrong" works the same way. You told the room how much confidence to have in you, and you set it low.
Why smart women do this
This habit usually starts as a reasonable instinct. Maybe you got cut off one too many times. Maybe someone made you feel foolish in a meeting years ago. Maybe you learned early that a woman who speaks with certainty gets called aggressive, so you started padding everything.
So you went into protection mode, and it kept you safe for a while.
But protection mode and leadership pull in opposite directions. Leaders step out and say the thing. They ask the question that makes the room stop and think. You can't do that from behind a shield.
What to say instead
Most of the time, just delete the padding and ask the question. "What happens to the timeline if the vendor slips?" It sounds sharper without an apology in front of it.
If you want a runway, use one that raises your standing:
- "I want to push on something."
- "Here's a question nobody's asked yet."
- "Before we lock this in, I want to check one thing."
Each of those tells the room to lean in. None of them hands anyone a gavel.
And if you really aren't sure, say what you know and what you don't. "Based on what I've seen, I'd go with option B. I haven't seen the Q3 numbers yet." That's honest, and it still sounds like a leader.
A test you can run this week
For three days, keep a tally. Every time you catch yourself opening with an apology, a disclaimer, or "this might be dumb," make a mark. Don't fix anything yet. Just count.
On day four, pick the phrase you use most and swap in one of the lines above every single time.
Then watch how people respond to you.
The hit you're bracing for rarely shows up. Stop throwing it for them.
Want replacements for the phrases that shrink you? 50 Confident Phrases has them ready at 50confidentphrases.com.